Part 2: Excavating My Familial Bonds
This is the second piece of a seven-part series on excavating our lived experiences.
We exist in a place and time, nestled within a human family. Family is our first community and one from which our self-perception (value) is forged to send us forth on a path to fulfill our aspirations and desires (vocation).
Window at Ballynahinch Castle; Galway, Ireland
Introduction
This is the second of a seven-part series on excavating our lived experiences. If you have not done so already, I suggest you first read Finding Foundation - The Lies I Tell Myself to get an overview of the work of excavating.
For those new to the Finding Foundations series, it may be helpful to review the following excerpt. For those who are following the series in chronological order, scroll down to the next paragraph to begin Part 2: Excavating My Familial Bonds.
As laid out in the previous posts, we often are a sum of our lived experiences. Lived experiences are like layers of memories piled upon the foundation of who we are. Lived experiences and our memories of them have the potential to reconfirm our identity, or they have the potential to redefine our identity, burying who we are under layers of lies. We will excavate through the layers in chronological order, starting with the first movements of self-persception: My Inheritance. I recommend you set aside a journal or other writing space (perhaps naming it Finding Foundation Journal) so that you can record your thoughts as they arise, no matter what the revelations expose. As memories are unearthed, prayerfully discern whether the memory and the emotions attached to it resonate with your core, or bring discord and dis-ease to your soul. Resonating memories may point to a truth to who you are, unearthing a piece of your foundation, while memories that lack peace may indicate a lie that has settled upon your soul, clouding your foundation.
Part 2: Excavating My Familial Bonds
We exist in a place and time, nestled within a human family. Family is our first community and one from which our self-perception (value) is forged to send us forth on a path to fulfill our aspirations and desires (vocation). The foundational pillars of value and vocation were destined to be formed in us under the guide of a loving and most caring family unit; however, we know all too well that strong families require solid foundations. In our fallen world every family is flawed. Some family foundations sit upon rocky soil, others slide on unstable sandy shores, while others have firm pillars but are often cluttered with debris and grim - and yet still we arise, grow-up and go forth, taking with us our experience of family as a most powerful lens from which we view the world.
You may have already begun the work of excavating familial bonds when working through Part 1: Excavating My Inheritance, as each family has an ancestral calling and a hereditary foundation, which, in turn, were gifted to you by the Creator through the family. Information revealed in Part 1 will help you solidify your unique value and vocation as we work through self-perception and aspirations.
So much of our identity stems from messages and lessons given to us by our family unit. Many of those messages and lessons were grounded in solid foundational truth and have blessed us on our path; however, other messages and lessons may have been unintentionally thrust upon us as a consequence of natural aspects such as birth order and personality traits. Let us now sift through the debris that may have clouded our own self-perception to discover the story of a soul that lies at the base of our foundation, for every created being holds value and is wonderfully and purposefully made.
— Softening the Bonds of Esteem —
List ways I bring value to my school or workplace.
Some examples may be: I am -
- Adaptable
- Driven
- Dependable
- Self-motivated
- Independent
- Confident
- Punctual
- Communicative
- Self-Disciplined
- Good at managing
- A people person
- Practicle
- Ambitious
- Creative
- Innovative
- Cooperative
- Decisive
- A good mediator
Continue the list by adding ways I bring value to my home life.
Some examples may be: I am -
- Caring
- Honest
- Perceptive
- Cooperative
- A protector
- Loving
- Kind
- Good at fixing things
- Attentive
- Responsible
- Loyal
- Forgiving
- Playful
- Reliable
- Spontaneous
- Practical
- A provider
- Patient
- Joyful
- Gentle
- Good at design
Finally, add ways I bring value to my neighborhood and community.
Some examples may be: I am -
- Welcoming
- Helpful
- An Advocate
- Self-Sufficient
- Respectful
- Compliant
- Open-Minded
- Altruistic
- Empathetic
- Resilient
- Accepting
- Accommodating
Ballynahinch Castle; Galway, Ireland
For the next step, carefully reread through your list and pause to ask yourself this questions with each recorded word or phrase:
Does this word or phrase about who I am speak peace to my soul or is it something that my family currently values or once valued during my childhood?
If the word or phrase brings peace, keep it. If the word or phrase listed is a value that is important to your family or to others in the world, cross it out.
For example: Perhaps being punctual was extremely important to your father; therefore, you developed a habit of always being on time, but being punctual does not feel like something that must be a part of your daily life for you to be fulfilled or at peace. This is a word that you would cross out because it does not carry a truth about who you are.
____
Next, look back through the list and notice those which were crossed out.
Do the crossed-out words identify more with my birth order than with who I am?
Some common birth order traits are:
First Born/Only Child
- Perfectionist
- Reliable
- Organized
- Logical
- Conscientious
- Hard-Working
- Compliant or Assertive
- Ambitious
- Problem-Solvers
- Self-Motivated
- Confident
Middle Born Child
- Mediator
- Diplomatic
- Loyal
- Communicative
- Conscientious
- Friendly
- Innovative
- Trustworthy
- Cooperative
- Empathetic
- Helpful
Last Born Child
- Charming
- Good with people
- Engaging
- Affectionate
- Spontaneous
- Playful
- Persistent
- Caring
- Adaptable
- Accepting
- Honest
Birth order traits taken from “The Birth Order Book” by Dr. Kevin Leman. This is not a comprehensive list.
For more information on birth order read Dr. Kevin Leman’s “The Birth Order Book”
Core Values of Esteem are like heirloom roses; complex and beautiful
Perhaps you also noticed that many of the value words which you kept were also included on the birth order trait lists and that you may resonate with a particular “birth order list” that corresponds with your particular experience of family. Rejoice, dear Excavator, for you are uncovering your foundation! Noticing is perhaps the most important step in finding your foundation, for once you notice you can then work towards reclamation.
With this noticing, it is good to ask the Spirit what it is that He would like to reveal to you regarding the value words you have chosen to keep. Perhaps one more purposeful pondering through the words you have chosen can help you whittle them down to the Core Values of Esteem which you would like to carry with you from this point on.
Go back through the list of words that are not crossed out and ask yourself:
Do any of these words point more towards my birth order experience of family than with my core identity?
If so, have the courage to cross those out so that you are left with your Core Values of Esteem.
Go through the above process as many times as you need to fully uncover your Core Values of Esteem. You will carry this list with you through the remainder of the exercises on Finding Foundation and refer back to it often. This list of your Core Values of Esteem is just the beginning as it will be re-examined, re-organized and re-created throughout the entire excavation process. Until then, sit and ponder the piece of the foundation which you have uncovered thus far and be at peace knowing that you are on the journey towards greater self-knowledge, healing and peace.
